The walk from the pub back to our little two up two down may have been short in distance but it felt like a 10 mile hike. I had already sort of confronted my Dad about what was the truth behind all of this cloak and dagger stuff but caught him off guard scaring the hell out of him as well as getting no further on and now I was heading head first into more unknowns with my Mum waiting for me at my house, damn I felt sick.
I walked up the darkened lane to my house reaching the red front door where I paused thinking I wished none of this has started that I had not popped down for lunch with my boy but that time had now since passed and there was nothing to be done but go forward with this extra large can of worms that had been opened…I pushed down the door handle and walked into my front room.
I have told you a little of my Dad and it is only fair and right to now tell you a little of my Mum.
Ever noticed how busy Mums are? Mine was no exception to that rule with a total of six children to see to as well as a house to keep, clothes to wash just the general family to run stuff on a rather large scale. One real advantage of your Mum having you very young is that as you start to get a little older they still are young and I loved that about my Mum. I was treated as an equal more or less once I hit my teenage years given lots of trust which gave way to freedom (that and they were both very busy with all of my brothers and sisters so didn’t notice what I was getting up to half the time), we were close and talked about subjects that would send most other young men my age scurrying for a dark stone to hide behind in embarrassment. She was witty, pretty, straight talking and honest I was so very lucky to have the relationship I had with her from a young age and thankfully still do.
When I was fifteen and home from school for a quick lunch she told me she was pregnant with my baby sister and did I think it was disgusting because she was so old at the grand old age of thirty one. I remember grinning ear to ear looking her in the eye and asking
“are you happy about it?”
She replied “Yes I think I am but I was worried you might think I was too old”
I got up walked across the kitchen and hugged her with both of us grinning uncontrollably and me telling her I thought it was great…and I really did think it was great I loved my younger siblings dearly.
So as I rounded the front door pushing it closed behind me I took yet another deep breath and looked up to see my Mum perched on the edge of the sofa’s arm looking positively ill…there must of been something going around eh.
She broke the silence between us as I stood there in the middle of the room just looking at her genuinely not knowing what to say by stating,
“You must really hate me”
God no I did not hate her or anyone but I answered using foul language in front of her for the first time in my life,
“No Mum I don’t hate you I just want to know what the fuck is going on”
It was like a flood gate had burst with all of the questions and things I wanted to say lined up neatly and clearly in my mind that would get voiced as the evening went on getting answers to all of the things I needed to know.
It turned out that word had soon spread to my Nan (Mums mum) that I had been asking questions of my Aunt so she had been on the phone to give my parents a bit of a heads up on the situation. Nothing like this can come out right really can it but I do feel sorry for the pair of them that it came blindside out of the right wing to tackle them completely unexpectedly.
She told me the story that we we began with at the start of this tale reader so I wont cover that again but we soon headed onto what followed on after my parents life settled down into that comfy routine of family life that I had always known.
They had wanted to tell me about it all in fact they had planned it a couple of times but life events sort of got in the way. They had planned to tell me by the time I was 16 but I had gotten a massive “go and see the world” travel bug by then shooting off all over the place and to any country I could get into and they were understandably scared I would bugger off to America…might of been nice to make that call myself back then but hey ho I get why they made that decision I mean my natural father might not of wanted anything to do with me.
Then I moved away to all ends of this little island of ours so we did not see each other a great deal especially in private. Then I decided to get married so they were determined to tell me before the happy occasion but Nan had beaten them to the punch literally by a few weeks.
My head was spinning by now still with that whirlwind of emotions but added to that mess was this overload of information of history of what had been’s what could of been’s. I felt lied to but elated because there was more to me than I thought, I thought my life had been a lie but I knew it could not have been better…if there was ever a reason to have a few beers this was it but it was going to take a good deal of time to sift through it all putting it into order so I could make proper sense of it.
We chatted for a couple of hours with me getting everything asked that I had planned and plenty more besides as the conversation developed with facts coming out I that I had no previous knowledge of. It was all brand new info both fascinating and exhilarating. I was sitting crossed legged in the middle of the floor just soaking it all in and Mum seemed to be getting more comfortable as she got it off of her chest, the release of the burden she had been carrying for my lifetime was actually visible as it left her a piece at a time while we talked.
The strangest thing was that I was not angry with any of it, I felt a bit miffed that it had been hidden away because in my mind there was absolutely no need for that to be done, deep down in my soul I knew that it would have made absolutely no difference to me as I was growing up in fact the only difference it had made to me now was curiosity as to this other genetic line that I had running off in another direction and I knew straight away I would be following that up not because I needed another family oh no at this point in time I just wanted to know what this other fellow looked like. Did he look like me at all? or should I say did I look like him?
So a few hours had passed and so did all of my questions, every last one of them was asked and exhaustive answers given by my Mum patiently as I cross examined nearly every detail. I was shattered physically and emotionally Mum looked like she had faired no better through this emotional roller-coaster so I laid back on the carpet and looked up to the ceiling then in an instant realising I had left my Dad down the pub in rather a state because I had dropped the bombshell of my knowledge on him out of the blue.
Wife to be was down there too. Oh bugger what had I done….